How Did I Get Here
That is the question. There are memories embedded deep in my mind of instances that looking back displayed my "uniqueness." Moments that I now recognize as screaming undiagnosed ADHD, but as a high achieving female, went overlooked for the first three and a half decades of my life. My ADHD masking was so effective, yet as an adult, I can recognize the behaviors of my youth, adolescence, and young adulthood that would be characterized as dopemine seeking. Even now, I catch myself embodying these behaviors, though medication helps me process them differently, and arguably more positively.
THE SCIENCES
According to Harvard Health, "Dopamine is most notably involved in helping us feel pleasure as part of the brain's reward system. Sex, shopping, smelling cookies baking in the oven — all these things can trigger dopamine release, or a 'dopamine rush.'" While dopemine itself is not addictive, one can become addicted to the behaviors that trigger the dopamine release. ADHD is caused by a dysfunctional dopamine system, which means dopamine isn't regulated properly in the brain. People with ADHD have more dopamine transporters in their brains, which means dopamine is reabsorbed more quickly. Low dopamine levels can make it harder to focus and stay on task, especially with routine or uninteresting tasks. Low dopamine levels can make it harder to control impulses and prevent negative feelings. -Obsessions/hyperfixations -Risky Behavior -Attention Seeking -Food -Shopping -Social Media Above are the ways I have seen myself get that pleasure reward dopemine gives. Each with multiple stories and evidence for support. I've not been exactly sure where to start, and how much I want to divulge, but I think devoting a blog to each is a good way to start.
EARLY OBSESSIONS A hyperfixation for that dopamine I can admit that I have obsessive tendencies, but understanding where they're coming from has helped to better control that pattern of behavior. As a tween and teen my hyperfixations and focuses turned to obsessions. I admittedly, and proudly, am still a fan of the late 90s and early 2000s group, *Nsync. However, I recognize that I had what can be quantified as an unhealthy obsession with them. My every waking moment was focused on their music, watching them on tv, reading articles, looking at pictures, thinking about them, fantasizing about meeting them, drawing pictures, joining AOL chats, my forst AIM was Nsyncer8858. I got such a dopamine boost from anything and everything related to *Nsync between 10 and 13. As I "matured" crushes became my dopamine source - and boy did they. I had three major, obsessive crushes from 6th grade to 10th grade. Without a healthy recognition of how to approach having a crush on a boy, I obsessed over every interaction. Passing them in the hallway, sharing a look, a few words, just being in proximity became a priority. I remember volunteering to do one boy's homework in 8th grade because, although at that point we were friends, it allowed for me to have that extra little bit of connection that my mind craved. And when a crush turned into my first boyfriend, I had a constant fulfillment of dopamine. Finding each other between classes, sitting at lunch, holding hands, kissing, and talking on the phone for hours became regular behaviors. Now mind you, I was an extremely introverted, awkward teenager. Never feeling pretty, super self-conscious, and still trying to find out who I was. So I clinged to this boy. When we eventually broke up, my dopamine source was gone and it caused a severe depression, while at the same time triggered the obsessive behavior trying to create interactions with him to get that good feeling back. These are the cringe worthy entries in my journals that I am embarrassed to go back and read. Those obsessive tendencies and behaviors became more consequential as I moved from youth into being an adult, wife, mother, and professional.
